Saturday, September 12, 2009

The last day of Hope - changes in the path

One of the things I wish I had learned to do is to let go. I wish somebody taught me to say goodbye, specially to say it to someone that means so much and you know would make all your life different if the person stayed. Sometimes, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to make that person understand that things are better if you stay together, the paths will go in different directions.

Picture this, an alley, rain, pain, trying to hold a hand of someone who has given you her back, the hand you pull does not pull back, and steps forward, further from you, every second, one step. The distance grows as the volume of tears that pours from your eyes, and still you try to pull, because you know that person can make everything alright. I wish I knew how to let go, and not be dragged through the ground until the moment I have no more strength to hold on.

Why does nobody tell us how to say good bye? Since we are small, we learn to meet people, how to be polite, how to become friends, and how to get into relationships, but nobody tells us how to let go. That is why we often find ourselves in pain, in tears saying good bye to someone meaningful in life. Life has a cruel way of bringing people into or life, and taking them away. I try to think for a moment, and maybe its because it is not in our nature to say goodbye, or simply not of our interest. Somehow we meet people and let them into our hearts, expecting them to stay forever, but are we so naive to think that all of this is possible? Who knows, but when I meet someone I never think of the moment that person will leave. There have been moments in my life in which I am forced to embrace this situation, but never the less, even if I know a person who for sure will leave in some time, I still give all of me, and allow that person to get inside my life, because I know that some seconds with that person, are better than a lifetime without that person. I know for sure, that one minute with you, is much better than a lifetime without you.

Why say that, because I am like that. I am a person with a heart that feels, that lives and loves. My heart has been a victim of my hopes and dreams, maybe I see possible were everything is impossible, maybe I am indeed a dreamer and do not realize the true situations. Some people may say I fall in love easily, I do not think it is like that. Saying that would mean that I love anyone that appears on my path, and that is not true. As I have said before, I am a blessed man who has met the greatest women in the world, and I have fallen in love, to some degree, with them. This meaningful women are the ones that get my heart. When I fall in love, I do not think of time and plans, because love is the most important to me. Maybe its wrong for you, but for me its the road I need to travel to be happy. I am not afraid to say I love you, because when I say it is because I mean it. When I love, I give all, I have no restraints, I give all since the first day, because that is the way its meant to be, its a love that matures, that grows, and becomes stronger, always simple, always honest, always faithful.

Being a person who loves deeply makes it extremely difficult and painful to move on. I thank life that through writing I have found a placebo to ease the pain of thought. Moving on takes time for me, and I do suffer, and occasionally I cry, why deny it? Still, I would never change the way I do things, because if I put all of this in a balance, the moments of happiness, will always outweigh the moments of sadness. Now I truly understand that sometimes happiness is not always about quantity, but about quality.

Once again I find myself writing with a certain objective, to somehow understand that this is the last grasp I will try to make to her hand, to somehow tell myself that it is my last day of hope, but somehow, with this person it has been impossible. Why whenever I write thinking of her, even if I start with planned sadness I end up full of thoughts of love and hope? Call me stupid, maybe its a sign, maybe life is indeed simpler than what we think.

The greatest thing is that even if that person is far away from me, hidden in the silence, every time I think of her, I smile, I'm happy, I am grateful.

When I began this entry, I wanted to end it with a quote from Coldplay: the hardest part was letting go not taking part, you really broke my heart.

I can not say that, because even if I have to let you go, you never broke my heart, all you did was put it back in order, fix it, and teach it how to really love, all over again. So once again, I find myself with long lasting hope, a hope of being someone in your life, someone who allows you to reach your dreams and be happy. At the end of the day, when you have achieved all you wanted, I want you to look at your side, and you will see me, because your goals are also mine. I will do all to see you happy. Tell me where to walk and I will walk there with you. I will hold you, I will fall with you and get you back on your feet, and I will be there when you smile cause your dreams are now a reality. I have said it before, I already achieved many of my dreams, achieving yours is something I would be delighted to take part of. Even more so, because being beside you would be the greatest dream I want to reach, all the rest would be secondary to you. As I always said, its about priorities, and I already found my most important one.

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