Conversation with myself
Jump, what are you waiting for. This is your moment to achieve your lifeless solution, because that is what you desire, to be lifeless. You look around, and in this cold night of this big city, there is no one walking by, no one looking at you, another reason for you to do this. Usually this city is full of lights, people, cars, homeless, drunken men and women and prostitutes, the decadence of humanity, but tonight, not even the worse have time to presence your acts. Tonight is only you, and the spotlight given by the moon. You slowly walk to the end of the roof, take a look at the abyss, and it looks at you back through your eyes, the inevitable destiny, is it really inevitable? Is there really something like destiny? Apparently in your case, yes.
The night is very cold, and still you stand there under the rain, just wearing jeans, no shoes, no shirt, wet dark hair, rain all over you, desperate to feel alive, waiting for a struck of thunder to give you the life, the energy, that you so desperately starve for. Your existence will be decided in this moment, and trust me, whatever you do won’t be worse than your horrid existence. Look around, alone in your most heroic moment, which is what you think, a hero, someone too good for this world, someone with ideals, someone not made for this loveless world of hatred. You are a hero, you think, but tomorrow, you will only be a statistic, a number, and with time, no one will care, no one will remember, and I don’t think that is the definition of hero, but in your heart, you are a victim, a victim of love, a victim of life, a victim in its most wonderful expression.
Close your eyes, stretch your arms, open your senses, and let your skin tell you the story. In this night, the breeze is strong, but it does not hit you in the face, it hits you in the back, pushing you closer to the abyss. Despite the heavy strong rain, you feel your tears slowly coming down your face, so heavy, so dense, that they inevitably reach your shaking lips, the smell and taste of cyanide, your own life is killing you. The wind, no longer smells like the spring you loved when you were a child, the tulips and roses are no longer there, replaced by the cold and lifeless cement of the big city; the wind, it now has a heavy smell, the rotten smell of despair, of frustration, of pain, of a rotten life, because to be there, you are rotten inside. You feel so empty, and the place in which you thought a soul should go, there is nothing, you have no soul, because the soul is not a free gift you get when you are born, the soul is something you earn, and tonight you have no soul, which is the reason all feels lonelier, colder, deeper, and darker. You always thought you had a soul, for that matter you never felt alone, but tonight you see that not even your soul is there to hold you. You thought that the wind hitting your face would be your soul telling you not to look into the abyss, but to your surprise the breeze is hitting you on the back, pushing you closer to the lifeless destination.
What is the point, why fear, if your life has already been taken when she took her love from you? There is nothing to live for, and still, you hold strongly to the pole, your lifeless friend this night, which you wished it was another hand. The dark, cold, and wet pole does not hold you back, so you grab it with more strength as you lean to take a look at the road ahead, the breeze becomes stronger, the wind pushes you, and still you don’t hear anyone shouting your name, you don’t feel a warm hand of hope holding you. Tonight is only you, only you can decide.
Jump I tell you, don’t be afraid, it won’t hurt, it won’t hurt more than the pain you have already felt. Trust me, gravity will do its work, it’s an expert, don’t think you are the first one, many, like you have come to this appointment, and many have jumped, and never, gravity has failed, but no one remembers who they are, because when people decide to take their life, family, lovers, friends, enemies, don’t want to remember you, all that you will be is a blank page in their lives, and soon, that page will fall off, or be filled with better things, that is why tonight you are alone, alone in the rain, alone with the moon, that is not even a full moon, because in your heart, you believe that you don’t deserve the light of nature´s most beautiful spotlight.
You thought you had it all, inspiration, poetry, dreams, hopes, and desires, in one second all is gone, all is dead. All that you were, all that you wanted to be, no longer exists. Who are you? What will you do? Questions like this no longer have an answer in her absence, and still you question yourself whether to take a step forward to the abyss, or to live loveless, which to you is just a simple difference of breathing, as for the heart, it’s the same. This is your date with fate, you are facing destiny, it’s up to you to make it happen, because I tell you that destiny exists, but it depends on you to make it happen, so face your destiny, jump, fly, fall, rest, lifeless. Did you have a choice, were you born to get to this moment? You were born a victim, you had no choice. Nobody showed you your life and asked you do you want to live? No one showed you the ending, and asked you, are you interested in this life? Yes my friend, tonight I tell you that you are a victim, so if you are a victim, why not jump, what is it going to change? Nothing, all will be the same, you will be the same, just you made your destiny, you found your reason to be alive, and your reason was to fulfill your destiny.
It’s not so simple, your family, your friends, your love, your enemies, everyone, did not choose this, so they are also victims, they are your victims. Think about it, it’s a vicious circle of being a victim. You try to remember something worth living, you see her face in your flooded eyes, and then the love of a mother is your second answer, because it’s in her that you think of, it’s her that you imagine crying by your lifeless body. Its guilt that makes you think of her. You keep on thinking, and as your mind shows you all, you remember being loved, you remember to love before you were born, you remember to be loved before being born. Then it means, you were born a loved victim, makes it sound a little better. Suddenly you feel like grabbing that pole with both hands, suddenly you find yourself hugging that pole, like the last hand on earth. You feel fear. Fear, what an ironic and cynical feeling, fear takes you close to the abyss, but fear does not let you jump, you live in fear, you will die in fear. What is keeping you from jumping, what is holding you, or what are you holding on to?
If you are here, is because it hurts, because the pain, the sting, the despair, the sorrow, all the words you can imagine for a broken heart, but also you are here because you care, because you love, you really love, because you don’t want to love someone else as you loved her, because you care. In your heart you know she is the love of your life, the real and true love, your heart knows it, and you trust your heart, because it is the only organ in your body that does not have the ability to be selfish. What happened? Did the love end, did she quit on you, whatever the answer, the result is the same. Love is gone, because it died, or because it does not want to be lived, you are here alone, that is the truth, that is your truth, and you don’t want to let that idea go, because then you are no longer a victim. All that you are worth, all you greatest actions, all your greatest conquests and triumphs could be resumed in one word: Her. There is where you are wrong.
My friend, you did all you could, you loved with all your heart, you have no regrets, you told her I love you as many times as you felt it, you held her hand and looked in her eyes, and made her feel that you love her, you never lied, your heart never did, you did all. She stopped loving you, or chose not to love you, you wanted a happy ending, but I ask you to look for happy ending s in this world, and it will be very difficult to find one. Unfortunately we live in a selfish world, a world were even parents no longer want the best for their children, a world that has invented thousands of excuses not to believe in true love. This world is full of broken hearted people, people that will try to protect you when you meet true love, because they are afraid like you are, but they also feel envy. You, are one of the lucky people on this planet that found true love, you can choose now to fight for it or let it go, knowing that you will never love someone like that, going through life, and being a bastard, making another woman fall in love with you, knowing that by that you are taking her chance and the chance of another man to meet the love of their life, are you so selfish? Sounds interesting, at least by doing that, you would have some company, and there would be others trying to jump tonight, but I am sure that you would not see them, because this is about you, being alone, confronted with your heart. What do you decide? Be the bastard and get some more jumpers, or do the right thing.
You found love, real true love, fight for it, you thought you had no reason to live, but this confrontation with destiny changed it all, you have a reason to live, you have the greatest reason to live, her love, your true love. You are lucky, while many people never find the love of their life, you met yours, you have kissed yours, you have felt her breath near your face, you have felt the warm touch that you desperately need now, you are a lucky man. You know your true love, you know her name, you know what she likes, and of all you know she likes you, you love her, and yes she loves you. You are afraid, and so is she. True love is scary because it takes pain, sacrifices, sorrow, tears, and decisions, but the brave ones that decide to fight for this, are able to look back and say that all the pain, that all the sorrow, and all the bad moments, does not compare to the happiness they feel now, does not compare to a life in real true love.
Love is the most wonderful gift God has given us as humans, we are so busy looking for money, pursuing careers, that we forgot that love is the most important thing in our life, otherwise what is the reason for the heart to be the only organ in the human body without the capability to be selfish? Love is agony, is the pain of rejection, is the fear of losing it all, but is also the taste of a warm kiss, opening your eyes and her being the first thing you see in the morning, and the last when you go to sleep. Love is the feeling that has made you feel alive, love is all that God really gave you, love is all that you really know how to do, and loving her, you feel an expert. I tell you, humans are afraid of real love, because all that we have believed in for the last thousands of years, would not have any meaning. We are afraid of losing all meaning, because we would be stripped to our most basic expression, love.
She is afraid, and you know it. She is being prevented from the most wonderful gift of God, true and real love. People around her tell her to do the opposite, because in their minds they are convinced that they are doing the right thing, they are afraid of seeing her, fighting for true love. They are afraid because they don’t know what true love is, they are afraid, but you have to be there, you have to do it for her; you have to fight for her, and show all that there is nothing to be afraid of. I told you we were born victims, well with true and real love we can change that, you are the true and real love of her life, and she is the true and real love of your life, you can both be loved victims, but you can change that for your children, you can make them just loved, they will know that life can have a happy ending, that life can be perfect, without so much pain and suffering, because no matter the destiny they choose for themselves, they will do it with true and real love. You both can change the world, no longer a victim.
You are still standing in the edge of the roof, still holding the pole, now stronger than ever. The wind can’t choose on which direction to blow, but you can choose which direction to face, you turn around and suddenly the wind is hitting your back, it’s your soul, you have earned it, it’s telling you that you have made the right decision. You did not jump, me neither, that is why I am here telling you not to, but that was something you had to find out by yourself. The rain feels warmer, and you can begin to enjoy it while it cleans your tears, that are no longer a lethal dose of cyanide, but now taste like your tears when you were a child, tears of hope, the hope that came when you knew someone was going to hold you. The wind again smells like roses, and tulips, the one you love to keep by your window, purple and white, making it all perfect. You move on, leave the roof, you know what to do, you love her, she is in your heart, and you will not take the chance of others to be with the love of your life, you will keep on living, loving, until the end of your days, she is worth it, you know it, she is scared, you know it, it’s your turn to be there for her, and stop her from jumping.
You have heard me, felt me, and cried with or for me. Maybe you feel like jumping, maybe you don’t. I looked at the abyss, and it looked back at my soulless body, I grabbed to the pole, but then I knew I was not holding to a pole, I was holding to the dream and the hope of loving her. She and her love saved me. Go now and save her life, I am already on my way there.
This advice is a gift, you decide to take it or to share it, you decide if you want to let others jump, or you decide to help them before they reach the abyss and the confrontation, for me it was necessary, but now I love her so others can see and believe, now after earning my soul I see possible where others see the impossible, now for me that is the proper definition of a hero.
You have found your love, fight for it, don’t be a victim, be a dreamer, show the world, that love is worth the pain, if you have not found it, believe that you will.
Don’t be afraid, I am not but I am willing to take a risk, to support the pain, the sorrow, because I know that what we have is true love, I know that you are afraid, and many people are afraid for you, they think they are protecting you, but really they are taking your chance to have real and true love in your life. Don’t think that you will be alone, because you will be with me, and I am you real and true love and that for me is more than enough. After having the real and true love, I can guarantee you that all the rest of the pieces will fall in the right place, and you won’t ever feel alone.
I Juan 4:18
En amor no hay temor; mas el perfecto amor echa fuera el temor: porque el temor tiene pena. De donde el que teme, no está perfecto en el amor.
I Giovanni 4:18
Nell’amore non c’è paura; anzi, l’amor perfetto caccia via la paura; perché la paura implica apprensione di castigo; e chi ha paura non è perfetto nell’amore.
I John 4:18
There is no fear in love: true love has no room for fear, because where fear is, there is pain; and he who is not free from fear is not complete in love.
I Johannes 4:18
Furcht ist nicht in der Liebe, sondern die völlige Liebe treibt die Furcht aus; denn die Furcht hat Pein. Wer sich aber fürchtet, der ist nicht völlig in der Liebe.
I Jean 4:18
La crainte n`est pas dans l`amour, mais l`amour parfait bannit la crainte; car la crainte suppose un châtiment, et celui qui craint n`est pas parfait dans l`amour.