Thursday, October 13, 2011

Life defined by role and not by purpose: What do you do?

Since June 2011 I have dedicated my time to study Hungarian and learn more about the culture of my wife. During this time span I have met many people who in the country for the same reason: Love for a Hungarian. The issue is, we all know that we are just learning the language, and there is no job apart from going to school. We never ask each other what you do. We just ask about what we used to do or what we want to do in the future. Apparently, the fact that we don’t have a job means we are not doing anything at all. Still, there is a purpose in our current actions, which is more interesting than actually telling you that I work in finance doing reports that tend to be the same every month.

When you meet someone, just after they ask your name, you are commonly asked “what do you do?”, unless the person is not interested at all in you. Ask yourself, what do you do?

In my case, I used to answer at work at this company doing this job. What do I do? Is that all I have to say? Is that all we have to say? Suddenly, our life, what we do is not defined by the purpose of our actions, but only by them. I have met a lot of people in my life, from different countries, with different regions and backgrounds, and never I have heard an answer such as, I enjoy my life, I make my wife/girlfriend happy nor I live my dream.

We have family, children, friends and love among other things, still we always put the job title as the first thing we say. It’s a curious thing to do. The issue is that it comes automatically, somehow we have allowed the world to accept as a logical answer to what we do in life to be a profession.

The worst part, is that most of the times nobody really cares exactly what you do. Nobody wants to know if you are a financial analyst or a manager, a lawyer or a salesman, what they want to know is if you like it there. So there is indeed a desire to know the emotional side of what you do. Still I think it would lead to much better conversations if we simply answered with what we really are doing.

For example, im doing everything to make my wife happy, and while I’m learning a language, I’m doing it so one day my children can talk to me in the language of their mother’s family. Of course its not a job, nor a profession that would allow you to guess if I make money or not, but I think it shows much more of who I am. At the end that is what we want to know when we ask someone what they do, who are they? We want to fit in all the pieces in the puzzle until we have a picture of the person, so then we can decide that we like them or not, and then have them as a part of our life.

So next time we talk, why don’t we skip the professional side, which doesn’t really matter, and go directly to the moment in which we tell what is the real purpose of whatever we do right now, and of course if we are happy. Hopefully no one thinks I’m a crazy person the next time someone asks me what do you do, and I answer I make my wife happy and try to make the world a better place for my non existent children.

Monday, July 25, 2011

I don’t care about Amy Winehouse

In the past days all social media has been flooded with videos and comments about Amy Winehouse. Well, honestly I really do not care so much. Long time I have seen posts by most of the people, and not really lot of them used to be about this singer. Suddenly everyone is an Amy Winehoue fan. Some people might tend to say that I am a bit selfish, but honestly there are many reasons not to care. Here are some of them:

The club of 27, this one does not need a lot of explanation. To put her in the same space as Cobain, Joplin, Hendrix, is simply saying too much about her talent. So please do not even start that discussion.

Second, right now there is a humanitarian crisis in Somalia, in which a million people are in risk of death due to lack of food and water. A million people who have not chosen that destiny, but have to try to survive it. How much money did this singer spend in booze and drugs only to destroy her life? Just what she spent in her last night, was enough to give some hope to some of those innocent people. So please, we should put things into perspective and take a look at what is really going on out there in the world.

Third, I come from a country in which drug production has taken many lives and closed many doors on our fellow citizens. Consumers, which are idolized by the pop culture, who simply want to get more and more drugs are in a way the fuel to conflicts in countries like mine. They don’t care about how many innocent people have died in the conflict. Consumers just do that, consume, they don’t care what is in the product, and how it was done, and even more so, they don’t care if that product has some blood behind it.

Today when I see a death of a young woman, fueled by drugs, I simply can’t care. Caring for her would be an insult to the people of Somalia that struggle for their life. Caring for her would be an insult to the families that have been torn apart by drug driven conflict in my home country. So next time a pop singer does something like this, before making social media a hypocrisy landmark, please put things into perspective.

So it’s simple, I don’t care about Amy Winehouse. She didn’t go to rehab now she won’t have to.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Flirting with dementia

So I recently moved to Hungary, after living in Germany for almost four years. There are not so many differences in terms of the countries, even more so, there are some advantages since the culture and the food are more similar to my home country compared to what I experienced in Germany. The biggest weakness is my inability to communicate or understand people.

I recently started to learn Hungarian, but the progress is slow, basically I can’t get past the introduction conversation. Who cares who I am, or where I come from, and for that matter if I am learning Hungarian, if I have nothing else to say? Few people can speak in English, but most of them have little to say.

I constantly find myself in many tables where many people gather and talk. In Hungary, food and alcohol are always present. The advantage of not understanding is that basically you do not have to talk or to listen to the uncomfortable things many people say in any language. I can dedicate time to feel the flavor of great foods or to taste a good wine, and of course, the Hungarian drink, Palinka. Which on the label should say, don’t try this at home. Those are of course positive points. In this prolonged silence I have been able to be quieter and calmer.

The main issue, is that in order to go through gatherings, which are very common, I constantly find myself filling in the blanks, imagining what they say, or the jokes, or what they talk about. I guess is the feeling of missing the gift of understanding a conversation. It has been a while since I had a deep and profound conversation, not that I had them a lot before, but at least I had the chance, here I do not have it. I guess that is how dementia starts; there should be a study of the correlation between immigration and dementia. How many immigrants actually lose their sanity? Well I hope I do not get to be a part of the statistic. It is uncomfortable enough to know that there is a possibility that filling in the blanks is not totally sane, but who cares, if that is what gets me through a day and a night?

Silence is golden, but a word and a conversation it is also very valuable in, if not building your intellect, at least keeping your mind in shape.
I guess that while my previous entries in the blog were in order to let go of feelings that were hurting or keeping me at unease, these next entries may be a way of talking to me, or at least raising the issues concerning my past decisions and the ones that may come in the future.

So long and viszontlátásra…

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Changes in the blog

After writing about despair and hope, i have focused my search on hope and happiness. Therefore no need for desperation anymore. Based on hope and the feeling that only good things will happen, I start this new adventure with my soon to be wife in Hungarian lands! I will keep you posted in all my adventures and discoveries!

Después de escribir sobre desesperación y esperanza, he enfocado mi búsqueda en esperanza y felicidad. Por ende, no hay necesidad de desesperación de ahora en adelante. Basado en la esperanza y en el sentimiento que solo cosas buenas van a suceder, inicio esta nueva aventura de mi vida con mi futura esposa, en tierras Húngaras! Los mantendré informados sobre mis aventuras y descubrimientos!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

There is always light

Sometimes in love, people are hurt, let me correct myself, many times in love, people are hurt, and still we keep on fighting, we keep on believing and giving others chances, giving ourselves chances. What is it about love that means so much to us? Well, for me it means a lot, difficult to explain with words, when is all about a feeling, that completes me, that gives me a sensation of satisfaction, that gives me reason, that makes me believe and dream. In short words, love allows me to see the world the way its meant to be, beautiful.

Still, there are moments in which we are hurt, and believe me, I’ve been hurt as well. The important thing is how to react when we are hurt, do we give the pain back, or do we simply let it go, or do we speak about it? There are many possibilities, but so few are correct. Our instinct may tell us to break the heart of the person who just broke our heart, but what do we earn from that? We just allow the gap between ourselves grow wider, and that is more painful. So it is important to understand, that no matter what, we still love the person, and that no matter the pain and the anger, we should not fight back, because it will be a bigger pain for us. We need to look at what is really important, a simple small fight, or the person who is in front of you, because as she holds the key to your heart, you own the key to that person’s heart, and that is a great honor, but also a great responsibility . In this moment, is when a man, has to behave like a man, and be able to look into the eyes of the woman, and even with the pain, say that you forgive, that you give another chance, that you still believe, that no matter that dark moment, there is always light, there is always love. Even if you do not see much strength in you, what matters is the first step, once you give the first step to close the gap, rather than to widen it, and you pull yourself together, you will see that love somehow will come through.

One of the biggest influences in my sentimental life, were my grandparents. Unfortunately, my grandnmother passed away a couple of years ago, but before she gave us all a lesson of love and strength. With my grandfather, they followed the promise they did to each other in front of God, to love and respect each other until death set them appart. Well, they did, and her last breath, was used to ask her husband: Do you still love me? The answer is obvious, but that is not the most important. The most important is how they achieved it. After 5 children and 12 grandchildren, she shared that with me: forgiveness is the key, along with letting go of the pride. On this second part, it is important to be clear that letting go of the pride does not mean that you allow the other person to humilliate or disrespect you. Letting go of the pride means more like stop looking at your individual interests, and fight for the couple’s goals. Even if at some times, it means being hurt and being the one that gives the first step towards reconciliation. Once you know that more than a person, you are part of something bigger, part of a couple, part of family, forgiveness comes easily. Forgiveness shall not be taken as a key to the door of doing whatever you want because you will always be forgiven. Forgiveness is there, but a person should always do all the right things, and they should come naturally, because love is a natural feeling, based on emotions and instincts, and not on thoughts, the mind, or strategies. So, if you need to think a lot abou what is right or wrong, take a good look at your relationship, it may be lacking heart, it may be lacking love.

The reason to write this, is that I know there is a person around us, who wants to love us, but is always afraid to hurt us. So I tell those people to take the risk of love, that if the love is real, there wont be pain, and in case there is, there will always be a way to fix it, as long as both are acting as one, as long as both are looking to the same direction, with love, in love. Take the risk, the pain and the sad moments, are always so small compared to the amazing things a life full of love can give you.

Written December 2nd, 2009, in a train, from Nureberg to Coburg, Germany.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Disappointment

Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that the individual feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while the individual feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself.


Do I feel disappointed? Yes.
Do I regret it? No.

The outcome was not as expected. What can I do? Do I focus on the outcome, that maybe is today's sorrow, but its tomorrow's past, or simply I get the best out of the situation and move on? Well, definitely it is all about the attitude. Its not about one battle, its about the war, and well, this war is just too young to call it lost.

What happened? Simply the expectations were different than the outcome, what hurts more, that I tried my best, which was acknowledged as the best, but still it was not enough. Sometimes being the best is not enough. Guess its the art of having a God in heaven, that is looking for the best for me. Well, He is indeed wiser than I am, and I am sticking to His wisdom, in His perfect way of writing life, rather than my subjective view on life. Guess it is not about what I want, maybe it is what I really do need.

So today, I felt disappointment, and found myself surrounded by love and friends. Once again life shows me, that maybe we can do many things by ourselves, but it is so much better and simpler when we have people around us that simply care about us. The point is that sometimes we loose in something that is simple, but win so much in something way more important. In these type of moments, is when we should have our beliefs stronger than ever, to keep searching what we believe in, and not what we just lost or did not achieve. Once again, life gives me the reason, when I say that the love of a lover, companion, accomplice, and friends is way much better and important than any material achievement that comes from any activity created by men. Nothing is better than what is natural to the heart.

So I wipe of the disappointment, and move on, knowing that I was the best, and there will be a place, where I need to be. Until then, keep on trying with the same attitude, because as long as I have a woman like the one I have by my side, and friends like the ones that surround me, there is no battle that is lost.

Do I feel disappointed? No!

Dedicated to I.K. and H.S.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Flying with the clouds

A small poem that is born in an attempt to be sweet with the woman that owns my heart. A small conversation that becomes poetry, because she inspires those words, and puts them on my lips.

My heart waited until i fell asleep
and then escaped through the window
traveled with the clouds
arriving to your bed while you were sleeping,
and then he went near your ear to tell you love words,
then found a place in your hands, because he felt safe and warm,
then before you woke up, he went away,
but before, he kissed you on the lips,
and came back, to me,
and that explained why i always woke up with a smile

dedicated to the always beautiful source of inspiration.... mariposa

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Freedom to speak

Freedom. It is fought, bled, lost, and won. Among many other actions humans have done along history, this word means almost all to us. Governments fight wars in the name of this word. As always, my intention is not to write about politics or current situations, which maybe I should do, since we live in a loveless world that focuses in vengeance and not in giving a chance to people, to be people. To be free in the heart.

The freedom I am talking about, is the freedom of a person, man or woman, to express what he or she feels towards another person. Freedom to say I love you without being told to remain in silence. Freedom to say I need you, to say I desire you, to say that without you I can not be as happy as how I feel when I am alone. We have forgotten to accept the fact that we can be loved, society wants us to be lonely, to grow fond of the idea that we must be able to do all by ourselves, so when someone loves us, we must know that we do not need them. We do not need to be loved in today's world.

What has happened, that we have lost our desire to be with someone, that we need to prove ourselves that we are able to do all by ourselves before we can be with someone? What happened with the thought that, maybe, we are simply a better person when we are with that someone special? In my case, I know I can do many things by myself, but I am sure that when I have that special person, I do them better, I do them with more love, because I do not only do it with my desires in my heart, but I do it having her in my heart. Not because I need to, but because I desire to. I believe in soul mates, someone that makes you be better than when you are alone. I believe in doing all in order to find that person. I believe in doing all to keep that person once you have found it. I believe that the special person is able to make your life better.

I am not afraid to admit that I can depend on that person, because when I choose that person, or life chooses for me, that person is someone I truly trust, someone I know that if I fall, she can pick me up. In a way, that trust is one of the foundations of a relationship, believing in each other, to make the happy moments happier, and to make the difficult easier. I am not afraid to say, that in a world that pushes us to be alone, I'd rather be with someone meaningful to my heart.

So today, I encourage all, not to be afraid, to feel free, to hold the hands of the loved one, to look into her/his eyes, and simply say all that you have in your heart. To say all, without expecting anything in return, just for the joy of saying it, of letting your heart reach the pinnacle of emotions, of letting it live by saying all. Let go of all feelings within your heart. Take a chance. You deserve it, and more than anything, that person deserves to hear all you have in your heart.

----

This is a new beginning of writings, the first of hopefully many more. The first part was compiled in a book of love and relationships that were meaningful to my life, now I intend to write about pure emotions: sadness, freedom, pain....

dedicated to I.K.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The father and his love

Today, a heart and a soul, feel the pain of a person who is gone. His love and care, will forever live in the smiles and the hearts of the family, because they are the result of his love and hard work during his life. This poem may seem simple, but nothing simpler than the love of a father to a daughter. A love that needs no explanation or reason, a love so strong that will engage in all to protect his eternal little girl. Today, to my friend, I give this poem, reminding you to remember, that you forever owned his heart. Be the best, and shine, like the bright star you are, just like you shined in your father's eyes. He will always shine with your light. I may have never met him, but I have seen your heart, and therefore I am sure that he was a wonderful man.

Daddy's little girl

The smile of the girl
was a gift her father carved
so whenever she went away
she always felt his love inside her heart.

The tears of the girl
were never due to him
but he was always gentle and tender
to wipe them from her cheeks.

The first real kiss of the girl
was given by her dad,
when she was born he held her close
so she could never leave his heart.

Even as time passed
and her life has taken its own path
he could always see the beauty
of her smile and her eyes.

The love of the father
was always his little girl
the one he kisses and loves
every night and every day.

Dedicated to Patrizia Angelelli and her family

Saturday, September 12, 2009

The last day of Hope - changes in the path

One of the things I wish I had learned to do is to let go. I wish somebody taught me to say goodbye, specially to say it to someone that means so much and you know would make all your life different if the person stayed. Sometimes, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to make that person understand that things are better if you stay together, the paths will go in different directions.

Picture this, an alley, rain, pain, trying to hold a hand of someone who has given you her back, the hand you pull does not pull back, and steps forward, further from you, every second, one step. The distance grows as the volume of tears that pours from your eyes, and still you try to pull, because you know that person can make everything alright. I wish I knew how to let go, and not be dragged through the ground until the moment I have no more strength to hold on.

Why does nobody tell us how to say good bye? Since we are small, we learn to meet people, how to be polite, how to become friends, and how to get into relationships, but nobody tells us how to let go. That is why we often find ourselves in pain, in tears saying good bye to someone meaningful in life. Life has a cruel way of bringing people into or life, and taking them away. I try to think for a moment, and maybe its because it is not in our nature to say goodbye, or simply not of our interest. Somehow we meet people and let them into our hearts, expecting them to stay forever, but are we so naive to think that all of this is possible? Who knows, but when I meet someone I never think of the moment that person will leave. There have been moments in my life in which I am forced to embrace this situation, but never the less, even if I know a person who for sure will leave in some time, I still give all of me, and allow that person to get inside my life, because I know that some seconds with that person, are better than a lifetime without that person. I know for sure, that one minute with you, is much better than a lifetime without you.

Why say that, because I am like that. I am a person with a heart that feels, that lives and loves. My heart has been a victim of my hopes and dreams, maybe I see possible were everything is impossible, maybe I am indeed a dreamer and do not realize the true situations. Some people may say I fall in love easily, I do not think it is like that. Saying that would mean that I love anyone that appears on my path, and that is not true. As I have said before, I am a blessed man who has met the greatest women in the world, and I have fallen in love, to some degree, with them. This meaningful women are the ones that get my heart. When I fall in love, I do not think of time and plans, because love is the most important to me. Maybe its wrong for you, but for me its the road I need to travel to be happy. I am not afraid to say I love you, because when I say it is because I mean it. When I love, I give all, I have no restraints, I give all since the first day, because that is the way its meant to be, its a love that matures, that grows, and becomes stronger, always simple, always honest, always faithful.

Being a person who loves deeply makes it extremely difficult and painful to move on. I thank life that through writing I have found a placebo to ease the pain of thought. Moving on takes time for me, and I do suffer, and occasionally I cry, why deny it? Still, I would never change the way I do things, because if I put all of this in a balance, the moments of happiness, will always outweigh the moments of sadness. Now I truly understand that sometimes happiness is not always about quantity, but about quality.

Once again I find myself writing with a certain objective, to somehow understand that this is the last grasp I will try to make to her hand, to somehow tell myself that it is my last day of hope, but somehow, with this person it has been impossible. Why whenever I write thinking of her, even if I start with planned sadness I end up full of thoughts of love and hope? Call me stupid, maybe its a sign, maybe life is indeed simpler than what we think.

The greatest thing is that even if that person is far away from me, hidden in the silence, every time I think of her, I smile, I'm happy, I am grateful.

When I began this entry, I wanted to end it with a quote from Coldplay: the hardest part was letting go not taking part, you really broke my heart.

I can not say that, because even if I have to let you go, you never broke my heart, all you did was put it back in order, fix it, and teach it how to really love, all over again. So once again, I find myself with long lasting hope, a hope of being someone in your life, someone who allows you to reach your dreams and be happy. At the end of the day, when you have achieved all you wanted, I want you to look at your side, and you will see me, because your goals are also mine. I will do all to see you happy. Tell me where to walk and I will walk there with you. I will hold you, I will fall with you and get you back on your feet, and I will be there when you smile cause your dreams are now a reality. I have said it before, I already achieved many of my dreams, achieving yours is something I would be delighted to take part of. Even more so, because being beside you would be the greatest dream I want to reach, all the rest would be secondary to you. As I always said, its about priorities, and I already found my most important one.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Your accomplice and lover

This is one of the most difficult things I have ever written, and I know that while I write it a part of my soul bleeds to death, it is needed in order to move on, it is needed in order to feel the pain, and be born back from it.

Feelings can change, can evolve, and can grow, that is the wonderful part of life, meeting someone, and watch as your feelings for that person change, from stranger to lover. If you had the chance to observe a movie of your life, you would enjoy looking at the moment in which a person becomes meaningful. You would be delighted with the struggle of understanding our feelings, what we want, what that person means, and more importantly how to make that person feel the same. Sometimes the movie has a happy ending, sometimes since the beginning both feel the same, and sometimes the end is not as expected. Sometimes all you had, falls into an abyss of despair, loosing all hope. My point is, that after all the different possibilities, the saddest is to watch the feelings die. Even worse, to make them die, to observe them, to observe yourself in sorrow and sadness, and not be able to give yourself a line of hope. Letting your feelings die is difficult. For me, is like letting myself die.

If you love somebody, you must be ready to let them walk away.


Never truly understood that quote. The truth is that I found myself in love, truly and deeply in love. I love a woman, that has all the things I could have ever imagined, and so many more that I had no idea would hypnotize me and take control of all my heart and emotions in one second. The sad part is that I have to let go of all. Let this feeling fade away into the sunset, while I simply watch, watch until all is gone. I wont deny you my pain, but somehow, as I write this letter that sounds more like the will of a heart on its path to death, I can still perceive hope within my words, hope of saying the right words, maybe to be able to say something that can change all. Hope is the last thing a man looses, even though I have not lost it all, at the end of this writing I wish it was all gone, so I could go ahead with my life and move on. Like she said, feelings cant change into friendship from one day to another. That is the issue of the moment, we both have feelings, why is it so difficult to make them work? Why give up on something that has proven to make us happy? Plans and dreams?

Ella tiene mil planes ahora, lo que ella no sabe es que yo ya he logrado muchas de mis metas y pues en este momento puedo darme el lujo de ayudarla a ella a lograr sus metas.

She has many plans now, but what she does not realize is that I have already achieved many of my goals and therefore, in this moment I can take the luxury if helping her to achieve her goals.


The person I love, is a person who is bigger than all my plans combined. Is a person that can be a plan of life, a better one than all I had before. A real plan that would give me all that I really stand for in life (love all I do in life). Someone who can really show me love and live life like it is meant to be lived. Someone who can show me that life is indeed, beautiful every day and can be lived to the fullest no matter what. Someone who can make me delight in tears of joy. Someone who has painted a smile on my face with such tenderness and on an easy manner.

There are so many ways to describe her, so many ways to say how she makes me happy, but more importantly, I want to tell her how I want to make her happy, so this lines are for her: if there is one thing I truly want, is for us to be something important. I really like you (simple as it sounds, meaningful as it is), to me you the most beautiful woman in the world (I know it sounds kind of lame) that is why when I am with you all I want to do is be close to you and never let you go, and I have all this amazing feelings for you (I guess now you know what amazing is). You are amazing to me, in ways I cant describe because you made me discover a happier side of me, you have made me see a better side of me, an incredibly happy version of myself I am getting to know better, and for sure do not want to see disappear. I really hope we have a chance together, because no matter what, in me you will find someone who will give all to make you fall in love every second, to be your lover, your friend, your accomplice in all. I truly want us, and its up to you, I'm trying to be the person you need me to be right now because I don't want to push anything, but I want you to know what is in my heart. You are someone with whom I see myself happy and someone that matters a lot to me. I'm sure i can make you happy, and help you achieve all you want. Point the direction and I will walk with you there.

I wish she knew how much she means to me, maybe like that she would understand more why I do the things I do. Call it lucky or unlucky, depends on how you see it. Luck and blessing was to meet her, to kiss her and fall in love with her. Unlucky was not to be included in her plans. All I ask, is for one second, for her to look at herself with my eyes, and feel all the delight I have inside my heart. Maybe then, she will understand how I feel for her.

So i finish this conversation with myself, with you, and with her, and after putting all my feelings in front, I feel hope, I feel happiness, the joy of being in love, no matter the outcome, because with her, I have won since the first instant she entered my life.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Love me like I want you to love me

I love you, maybe you do not understand the way I do it, maybe because you have never been loved this way, maybe you are just simply not used to it. Still, this does not change the fact that I love you. I know I say many things, maybe it appears to soon for them, but what to do when they are true words that express true feelings? Shall a man be silent and tie up his heart, or just take the risk of exposing his feelings. Balance is the key, of finding the best way to combine the will and desires of two persons, into a bigger and better desire for both.

Love is indeed a work of two persons, who have to understand each other. People say love is about sacrifices, I think its more of understanding each other, our pasts that made us this way, that one way that guided us to one another, that way which made us the person we both love today. So why try to change that person into something he or she is not? It’s a constant struggle between understanding what we want, how we want it, the person in our dreams and the reality of the person that has made our dreams real.

Of course, in the path of life we have met many people, and somehow with the mistakes we have learned what we do not want. That is simple, but leads us to one of the biggest mistakes we may do, select someone who is what we do not want, instead of doing the right thing of being with someone we really do desire to be with. It sounds the same, but with one, you are selecting by defects and on the other one you select by virtues. Knowing what we dislike is simple, that is why we fail, that is why we have experience, that is why we live, and learn, in order not to stumble with the same rock more than one time.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes - Oscar Wilde


Choosing by running away of what we do not want, leads us to other mistakes, to adding features and characteristics to that list of what we do not want. Therefore, why not take a risk of being with someone that shows you something different, something you do not understand, but you enjoy. Fear, passion, nervousness, thoughts, feelings, heartbeats.... all emotions and sensations, known and unknown, maybe inexplicable, probably the result of something new in our life. So why not take the risk of actually learning what we do want. Fear of the unknown is the first obstacle we need to learn to pass by. Changing our plans is another fact we need to learn to bend, because that person appears without knowledge of our plans, nobody is handed a list of plans of all humans and then decides who to approach based on common plans. That would be too complicated and too boring. I have my plans, but I am open to find a woman that changes my plans, because I am sure that if she is so great to change my plans, then its the greatest signal I know I have found someone really important. Maybe on this point tons of people do not agree with me, but that is me, I simply stick to the basics, I follow my instincts and do whatever leads me to be happy, and love is on top of the list.

So, what I am trying to say here, is that you have plans and I have plans, and I am willing to change mine for you, and walk with you to help you achieve yours, and then when the time is right, I am sure you will help me achieve my dreams, still, in this moment I have a bigger dream, which I am sure you know what it is, and in case you do not know, please stand up and take a look at the mirror, you will see who I am talking about. So I know we do not understand the reasons all of this has happened, and even more so, the strange manner in which it occurred, but even though nobody may understand it, it does not matter, because at the end of the day even if I have talked to you more than half of the time, I feel I can talk more and be happy (BE HAPPY - isn't this the final purpose in life?). Connecting with somebody is more valuable than thinking if this is normal. Finding a person who does not need to be by your side at all times to make you feel complete, is my definition of a soul mate. The time people talk to each other should not be measured or timed within the barriers of what is normal, because normality has lead so many lovers to failure, maybe the key in love is to be not normal, to follow your heart and stop feeling with your brain.

All of this are simple reflections of what I want to do, what is really important, and with all the hope, I ask you to take a chance on me, because I am sure you will never regret it.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Abyss

The abyss lies ahead,
deep and dark, cold and painful.
The next step may be the fall,
but the abyss is not deadly.

The fall is long,
the fall breaks bones,
the fall breaks spirits,
the fall breaks hopes,
the fall does not kill you.

The rising is longer,
the rising heals,
the rising renews spirits,
rising is only done with hope,
the rising gives you life.

Falling and rising,
breaking and healing.
A step is just a step,
when there is no dream behind it,
with hope, a step is a life.

Falling into the abyss is worth,
when the hope that drives you knows
the beauty that lies on the other side.

So I take my hope,
and give a step forward towards you,
hoping not to fall into the abyss,
but if that is the price to pay,
I will climb back out, with hope.

Monday, August 24, 2009

A close encounter with God

Competing with God for the love of a woman

So I set up the mood with a Christian song that asks God to be somebody's universe. Many Christians around the world have close encounters with God, seen in miracles or good things in their life. As for me, I consider myself a blessed man, with talents, with a great family, and overall a great life. Still all of this, has not been my closest encounter with God.

My encounter with God was more personal than others, was an encounter with a God that seemed more human than ever, was an encounter that shaped my view on relationships, and the role of religion within it. I am a person that believes, that believes in God, in doing the right thing, being the right type of person, I am not much of a church kind of guy, I simply do my best, try to be good with everyone, be the best I can at all moments, because to me God is in the simple acts of life, not only in waiting for a miracle. Many people see God as a provider, my view, God already gave me life, talents, family, friends, love and many things more on which I have to build upon, I am the one that has to give, not Him.

Still, my intention is not to talk about religion, its to talk about love, as I always do. It was the year 2004, and I was living in a small city of Colombia, it was a moment in my life when I was searching for some kind of guidance, something divine to guide my path. I just came out of a wonderfully stormy first love of my life relationship, the type of relationship where all matters so much, where all is a drama. So in this city, I was the guy from the capital, I was the guy upon all looks where falling. I found a house, living with four other students, my room was on the second floor, window looking at the street. Across the street, another house, on the second floor it was her room. I was able to see her timidly at the beginning, then I felt comfortable enough to have conversations from window to window, why spend mobile phone minutes when you can shout? Who needs privacy anyways!

So, after some time, weeks or months, it does not matter, that girl was all the time with me, we were kissing and doing all that young lovers do. The only problem she has, was that on Saturday nights, she had to get together with what she called a community, which simply resembles a praying group to discuss the Bible and God in general. I honestly did not like that much, but in my ideal world, I took it as a sign, since I was looking for some divine guidance for my life, naive was I to think that God would send it with great curves and seductive lips.

As the relationship progressed, she wanted me to get involved within the community. I did not pay attention until I met her parents, the mother was active in the same group, while the father was somehow apathetic. There was always a feeling of tension in the air every Saturday when the couple split for the length of the reunion. That was the moment when it started to hit me. The second moment was when I met people of her group and all questioned me about if I was part of the community, and if not, when I was going to join. An uncomfortable feeling was there, but she was always there with a sweet word to calm down my nerves from the intense work of the recruiting team.

Finally as the relationship got more serious, and when you do that, people dream and talk, she said that eventually, for a life together, I would have to be part of the community. Part of something I did not believe in. That was when I saw God as a human, as someone who was driving me apart from the woman that I called mine. In that moment I felt envy, and also powerless, because I knew it was a fight I was not going to win. Even though for some reason I stayed in the relationship, trying to figure out something, I knew the end for us was written already in our destiny. She was not going to change, I was not going to do it either. For the first time in my life, I had this divine intervention, and it was an intervention, more real and human than anyone could believe.

Never the less, the important in this is the lesson learned, that even if I may not be the most religious person in the world, there must be a common base with the person I share my life, because those issues are the ones that can separate couples and create breaches within relationships. As for that woman, she taught me sweetness and caring in a noble and honest way, that today I cherish as a wonderful moment of my life.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Financial equations of love

The origin of this thought is a conversation I had with the woman that currently captures all of my attention, and many more things I wont go into detail at the moment, but we can say she has all of me.

In no moment I want to address women as an investment, my intention is to make a comedy worthy approach on love in a language that most of my colleagues can understand, and in general to men, because when it comes to women, we have no clue of what we are doing, we are incredibly lucky all the time!


The financial market theory, says that the return on an investment, depends on the length and the risk profile. Therefore, a longer and riskier investment, will result in a higher return. The question is, can we also apply this equation to love?

So lets say, you are a guy, falling in love, or already in love. You find this girl that turns your world upside down, that simply makes you crazy, and without knowing it, suddenly you find yourself in love, what a surprise! Lets call the woman, the return.

Unfortunately (or fortunately in my case, since I have never liked simple and easy things) for you my friend this woman, has plans, work, studies, friends, and family. We can call this plans the market.

Now, you need to define an investment strategy, do you look for a long term investment, which will maximize the return, or simply go for a short term deal, that will give you benefits as well.

The risk, the most important factor, is that no matter if long or short term, she decides to take any other element of the market over you, or in simpler words, she does not choose you.

So in theory, the forces of the market, as well as the individual aspects of the selected stock (in this case your target) will influence the final outcome. So in this equation, you don't see yourself contained. The key aspect in this issue, is that you are the only able to influence this forces. How to do it, you know, the basics, be loyal, be there for her, listen to her, love her, make her feel beautiful all the time, make her laugh, give her love, give her passion, and give her all the things she does not expect. With this, she will decide. So your fate is in your hands. The heart of a woman in incredibly valuable, and you don't expect her to give it to someone who does not deserve it. Are you up for the challenge?

What to do and how to do it? These two questions definitely haunt your mind. The first thought is hope, you wish there was no risk at all, but wouldn't it be too boring? If there was no risk, there would be no pleasure in the conquest, and I am sure the romantic lovers of the past, who taught us the art of writing love letters and poems, composing songs, and doing any demonstration of love wouldn't be pleased at all.

So, in my case, I take my hope, even if its small, and work with it, because I know the return is incredibly high. Now that I have decided to invest my time and effort - by the way the currency you invest is your heart - I need to decide the time span. Short or long term, what do I really want? What do you really want? In love, a short term can be a fling, not even a relationship, some company, passion, calls, a couple of tears, and lots of fun. Long term has all of the above, but has hard work, has loyalty, real love, passion, friendship, makes you each the lover and accomplice of one another, and if you go all the way, has a lifetime of happiness in the company of your loved one. Well, for me that sounds amazingly interesting. Maybe its because of my risk profile, maybe due to my advanced age I am looking for the real thing, as well since in the last years I have done my share of short term investments with no risk and only one type of benefit.

So I have my strategy, I'm going for the longest of terms, with all my currency in one basket, which increases dramatically my risk, all because I want the highest return of all, and I know who she is!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Trip within my heart and soul

In order to discover the real path of my heart, and understand the events that are occurring in my heart since I met a special person, I want to define a setting before going into the description of my feelings. Italy used to be the land where I saw myself in love, but now I understood, that love now has a bigger, more important, and different meaning than what it used to have. No longer I have this view of Italian love that haunted my mind for so much time. Now I have a better view of love, more free, fun, relaxed, and very comforting. Mature and crazy at the same time.

In this process of liberation, of letting go of the past, not by denial, but by facing it and choosing a brighter future over the dark past, I have discovered myself, what I truly am, what I truly want, and what I am really worth. In this moment, I have a bright future ahead of me, and I am going to fight for it, because it is worth it. She is worth it.

Terre di Sardegna

A magical corner where children and grown ups share the same delight for an ice cream. Colors, flavors, textures, and pleasures, all as unique as the customer's taste.

Sardegna, Alghero, full of people, where Italians come to rest from Italy. The meditarranean breeze plays a slow and warming melody that sets the tone to a conversation full of gestures and emotions. I don't feel like a foreigner, I feel part of this place, like this place expected my arrival, this shall explain why all my thoughts are very clear now.



Commo Lake - Pare

A majestic lake surrounded by mountains. The sun heats its waters, brightens it, covers it, giving it life, the life that the Italian summer has. Families, friends, and lovers, conversations and emotions are found in this magical place. My heart feels in peace, only missing the company that has been needed for so long, but now is clear where to find.



The discovery

Once again I find myself in Italy, a country of feelings and flourishing passions. For the first time my thoughts are not centered in this land, this sunset or the ocean that surrounds me. My thoughts wonder across this island, the ocean, the mountains, until arriving at her feet, thirsty for a taste of her lips.

Time is the best medicine known to my heart, which to me, was hit by a mortal blow, so many times, and still was beating, stronger and wiser than ever before. As I grew up, each and every relationship was meaningful. Each and every relationship was a feeling, a lecture, and a lesson. Many times I did not understand, still I wonder If I have understood anything.

Somehow, each and every meaningful relationship II have had has given me a strong life lesson. There were always difficult moments that have shaped my character. From learning how to break up when that relationship had cost so much effort and pain to obtain, understanding that religious views when opposing, generate frictions that open scars within couples, that there are mistakes that separate people and can be forgiven but never forgotten, and the biggest one is to learn to identify what is not the love of your life, even if for many days you were convinced about it, even worse if you need to live it twice to learn it.

Quizá Dios quiera que conozcas mucha gente equivocada antes de que conozcas a la persona adecuada, para que cuando al fin la conozcas sepas estar agradecido.

Perhaps God wants you to meet many of the wrong people before you meet the right one, so that when you finally meet them you will know to be grateful.


All has been a discovery of my soul, of my dreams, and of my desires. Questions haunt my mind, like if this journey will have an end and I will be finally ready for the next step, whatever it may be, or this will be a never ending discovery of myself. As well, have I been a part of the learning process of my previous couples, or simply life has used these women to guide me through my path? Both cases, I am truly blessed.

One thing I am sure, now, for the first time, I know who I am, what I want in my life, my priorities, how I want them, and more importantly, how much I am worth.

The discovery is simple, what I thought was love, was never love. I saw love as something that supplied basic needs of comfort, company, sex, laughter, and routine. I was wrong, love is something that makes you dream, that gives you hope, that supplies your needs and creates new ones, supplies needs which you did not even knew existed. Love is a constant discovery of yourself guided by the hand of the person that can see your soul, the person that knows your heart inside out more that you do, cause that person organizes it and disoirganizes it at the same time. Love is more than needs, love is life. I guess that is why they call that special person a soul mate, because indeed is something that fills your soul.

It is always difficult to characterize love into words, even more difficult to admit that you had never been truly in love, even though you thought you felt it and took the risk of saying it. To the women I said it to, I am sorry, but know that what I said, was what I thought love was. Today, my love is bigger and better, brighter and full of hopes and dreams, because I learned to love myself, and after discovering what I am worth, I am ready to offer it.

I am sure as that one person will guide me in the discovery of my life, adulthood, parenthood, and elderly days (because I believe true love lasts a life time), I will guide that person. I am sure this life long commitment can be scary, but know that within the path of our life, there will be laughter, happiness, sadness, and many feelings, be sure, you will feel alive, and grateful to be alive, every day of your life. Want to walk with me?

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Thanks to the post I did some art

The post lost a letter that was meant for you, it had words and letters meant to make you feel how i see you, make you understand what you mean to me. I don't want that message to be lost somewhere in this world, so here it goes, because more than ever, I am sure of this thing:

This started 27 years ago...

Life is full of amazing wonderful surprises. Life is like a box of chocolates. From famous people to Forrest Gump, we have been listening to these phrases for a long time, but we really don't truly understand its meaning, or in order not to generalize, I did not understand it.

What is a surprise, something unexpected, something that generates an emotion, that makes us sad or happy? I will stick to the meaning I had as a child, it was a gift, something unknown, something that would make me happy; like christmas gifts. Its a shame that as we grow up, many of the words we thought only had a positive meaning, suddenly have so many bad associations. He died in an accident, she lost all her money, they lost their home. Suddenly, all these surprises seem so distant to my childhood meaning.

Lately I have understood, that the key to joy in my life, is to follow the true and simple meanings I learned while being a child:

1. Love: as a kid I was never afraid to show the people I loved how much I did, I was never afraid to seem vulnerable in their absence because I totally trusted them, I was always able to say I love you. I remember telling my mom that I loved her from the earth to the sky, because to me that was the most outer limit.

2. Dreams: as a child I had dreams of being someone, no matter how important or unknown, all that mattered to me was that the dream would put a smile on my face, today we dream with cars, wealth, careers, etc. My dream was to be happy, my dream was to be like my dad, no matter if I did not know what he did. He was a loving man, and I am proud to say that after 27 years of my existence, he still tells me that he loves me (Gracias papa!)

3. Hope: dreaming was always simple because there was hope, my hope was immense, had no limits, my hope had all, in my hope there was no thing impossible. I trusted and believed in myself, I trusted the people around me, I trusted the world to let me achieve my dreams. Today, people think that if you hope and you dream too much, you are not realistic. Why be realistic when it only cuts your wings? Please do not cut my wings.

I could go on naming things that have changed, but I have decided to go back and live things on the basic, simple, and most beautiful meaning. I want surprises to be only good, I want to love without limits, I want to dream, and hope all will be like that.

What made me think of this, what can move a man to let go of all he has learned in school, university and life. Love is the answer. Love has been the only real and true thing in life. I was loved since I was born, and no matter how life has been, in every second of my existence, I was loved by someone, anytime, there was always at least one person. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but love was always there. No matter if I was heartbroken, there was always the love of family, a friend, or even a pet. Its time to give back, what life has given me in abundance: time to give love.

Life has given me a surprise, when I thought I had lost the love of my life, I understood that I was wrong, for the first time admit I did not truly love her, she simply supplied the needs I had when I was alone, she was friend, family, company, partner, but a true love she was not. She was a bridge from my past life to my new life, its amazing how time works, but only time can allow us understand what is the function of certain people in our life. I needed to pass through a difficult time in my life to know how much I am worth, to know how much I can truly give.

Today I am sure, that I am worth a lot. I needed to love myself in order to be able to truly love someone, the truth is that I did not love myself. Now I do, now I am ready to truly love, my worth is for you to have.

Today I find myself in the verge of real love, on the door, staring, smiling, nostalgic, full of dreams and hope. There is no fear, because I am sure, there will be always someone loving me, supporting me, and cheering for me. How to know its real? Simple, cause there is no limit, there is no fear, there is hope and there are tons of dreams that seem very clear to me, and simply because in my heart it truly feels right, and when I write this and repeat, I smile.

You trust your heart, because it is the only organ in your body that does not have the ability to be selfish.


I am facing a person who makes me stare at my soul, and allows me to understand myself, while drawing a smile on my lips which I thought did not exist. I am facing a person that can change my path, reshape the way, and makes me feel happy about it. I am facing a woman which makes me want to be better every second, try harder, be sweeter, write about hope and not about despair, and even loose some weight.

Therefore, today I make a compromise with my life, with myself, to follow my heart as I did when I was a child, I will love without fear, dream without limits, and hope that all will be always perfect, and the days in which it is not like I dreamed, I will always have the love of the people around me. I am a fortunate man, a blessed man. I am a son, a brother, a friend, and a lover. I am alive.

The best part, is that as I read over and over again this note, I feel confident, I feel happy, that I am truly doing the right thing, that I am truly in the right path. This is for you, and you know the smile I have on my lips. Thanks for being in my life, you are worth a fight, a risk, a journey, because at the end of the path, I will find happiness, and I truly hope to find you.

---

This is the first picture I have of myself, and I'm sure my parents took it with a lot of love.

Monday, July 27, 2009

On the day of my death

On the day of my death
my heart will finally find its rest.
Rest from a violent life,
of love and unlove,
from healing to breaking to healing.

My hands will forever rest,
no more poems and songs about that someone who I lost.
No more journeys searching for what does not exist,
the love of my life.

My life has been full of love,
there is love in my life,
but not the love of my life,
cause this will take away the value of the other moments.

Each love,
in a way has been the love of my life.
I would have given my life for that love,
but when the love was lost,
I still had my life to move on.

Each moment has been perfect and precious,
every tear and moment of sadness,
has been well earned, lived, and mourned.

My life, my love,
will come to an end.
My dreams will forever live,
in their hands that so cruelly,
ripped them apart.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Balance

While the moment is seized with a broken voice
and the crystal look of newborn tears in my eyes,
and even if the smile fades away during those seconds,
the weight of sadness can not compare to the idea of us.

The smile imprinted on my lips was nothing more than your creation,
a smile that was always natural and a result of a thought of you,
the sad moments, were not even moments, because it was only one,
that precise moment you decided to fade away, to turn your back on me,
the moment which I saw my heart being broken, again.

I had my time and my effort to give you,
my hardest try and my honest heart to offer,
my defects and my short list of qualities,
but no matter what, all of them were for you.

Sadness fills me when I realize how much I feel
in the moment i see you walk away.
The moment is now, walk behind you or stay behind until you fade.
Make your dreams true or just forget.
Decisions, moments, feelings.
Sadness, happiness. Its up to me,
and for you, I would try all.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Best day of my life?

Today I woke up with the need of confronting my life, hoping to know if it has been worthwhile living it. Therefore I decided to observe and choose the best day of my life, with the hope of being able to find such glorious day of my existence, just one day, that makes the others be totally valid. One before and after that day.

But which ingredients shall this day have?

To any person that knows me, must know that this day must have love, since this is the motor that moves my life. I believe that such an important day, it should not only be extremely positive, but also should have some pain. For me the best day of my life is not the most beautiful, but also that one that has all the emotions to make me feel more alive than before, that single day, that gives us passion, love, pain, anger, sadness, and above all, hope.

For many, having a day like this would be a miracle, something very difficult. Even so, there are many that have it, and instead of thanking life for feeling so alive, the only concentrate on observing the bad things, forgetting all the good things. Always at the end of a day like this, no matter the bad things, since when compared to the positive things, it is something almost non existent. Definitely, as human beings we are somehow blind to happiness, or simply we just search for misery in order to have an excuse so we are not happy.

What comes after happiness? After being happy comes the constant challenge of remaining happy. Happiness is like the love of a woman. I see the love of a woman as a constant conquest, a man must make his woman fall in love with him every day. For happiness we have to fight daily.

Coming back to the topic, choosing one day of my life, I must say I have had my share of them, but not a long time ago I had the chance to live one that lead me to reflect about the others. That day, I wont say when and where, since its part of the mystery of my conquest. I will say that it had love, love with fear, a love that carried uncertainty, a love that with each kiss generated the fear of doubt, of seeing something that was distant and small, suddenly become an object with hope, something with meaning in my life.

Each look, each kiss, each touch, and each hug, had a shade of love that you dont experience with any person, that you only feel it with that person that reaches your soul, that person that opens your heart and understands it, that puts it in order and also disorders it, and leaves us waiting for her return. The pain came by knowing that the day was ending, and that somehow I would return to the distance, knowing that this precise day, possibly would never be lived again. Never the less, all the beauty of that day, gave me hope, of continuing to smile and fighting, for something that I may not know if its real or imaginary, but in my soul and in my heart, paint a smile every day.

Perhaps isn't it worth it in thinking of an eternal smile? So, thanks to that day, and a week of not understanding my feelings, I understood that the beauty of what was lived, was much better that what was not lived due to the distance that would separate us again. Hope turned into a permanent smile and the simpleness of understanding that life is full of beautiful surprises.

One day I will have the courage to put a meaningful picture of that day

----

not worth a full entry, but deserves a comment. with a friend, talking of love and unlove, I thought what if one of the women of my past was the love of my life and I lost her? he was a wise friend by telling me, give thanks that you met her and shared something with her. Many never get to know her.


EL MEJOR DIA DE MI VIDA?

Hoy me levante con la necesidad de confrontar mi vida con el fin de saber si ha valido la pena. Por ello decidi recapitular y elegir el mejor dia de mi vida, con la ilusion de poder decir que ha existido un dia tan grandioso, solo un dia, que hace los demas ser totalmente validos. Un antes y un despues de ese dia.

Pero que ingredientes debe tener ese dia?

Para cualquier persona que me conoce, sabe que debe tener amor, pues este es el motor que mueve mi vida. Creeria que un dia tan importante, no solo debe ser extremadamente positivo, sino tambien debe tener un poco de dolor. Para mi el mejor dia de mi vida, no es solo el mas hermoso, sino tambien aquel que tiene todas las emociones para hacerme sentir mas vivo que nunca, ese sentir en un solo dia, que nos presenta la pasion, el amor, el dolor, la rabia, la tristeza y sobre todas las cosas la esperanza.

Para muchos tener un dia asi es un milagro, algo muy dificil. Aun asi, hay muchos que lo tienen y en vez de agradecer a la vida sentirse tan vivos, solo se concentran en observar lo malo, olvidando todo lo bueno. Siempre al final de un dia como este, no importa lo malo, pues esto comparado con lo bueno es algo minusculo. Definitivamente los seres humanos somos de alguna manera ciegos ante la felicidad, o simplemente buscamos la miseria con tal de tener excusas para no ser felices.

Acaso que viene despues de la felicidad? Despues de ser feliz viene el reto constante de mantener la felicidad. La felicidad es como el amor de una mujer. Yo veo el amor de una mujer como una constante conquista, a la mujer se debe enamorar todos los dias. Por la felicidad se debe luchar a diario.

Pero regresando al tema, elegir un dia de mi vida, creo que he tenido varios, pero hace poco tuve la oportunidad de vivir uno que me llevo a reflexionar sobre los demas. Ese dia, no deseo decir donde y cuando fue, pues es parte del misterio de mi conquista. Pero si puedo decir que hubo amor, un amor con miedo, un amor en que cada beso creaba miedo de la incertidumbre, de ver algo que era lejano y minusculo, repentinamente tornaba a ser algo con esperanza, algo significativo en mi vida.

Cada mirada, cada beso, cada caricia y cada abrazo, tenia un matiz amoroso que no se tiene con cualquier persona, se tiene solo con esa persona que llega al alma, aquella que abre el corazon y lo comprende, lo ordena y lo desordena, y nos deja esperando su regreso. El dolor llego al saber que el dia terminaba y que de alguna manera regresaria a la distancia, sabiendo que ese dia vivido, posiblemente no se viviria de nuevo. Sin embargo, todo lo hermoso de ese dia, me dio esperanza, de seguir sonriendo y luchando, por algo que no se si es real o imaginario, pero en mi alma y mi corazon, dibujan una sonrisa a diario.

Acaso no vale la pena pensar en una eterna sonrisa? Pues gracias a ese dia, y una semana de no comprender mis sentimientos, me di cuenta que lo hermoso que se vivio, fue mucho mejor que lo que no se vivio debido a la distancia que nos separaria nuevamente. La esperanza se convirtio en una sonrisa permanente y en la sencillez de entender que la vida esta llena de hermosas sorpresas.

Algun dia tendre el valor de poner un foto significativa de ese dia.

----

no merece una entrada completa, pero si un comentario. con un amigo, hablando de amores y desamores, pensaba que tal que una de las mujeres de mi pasado sea el amor de mi vida y la haya perdido? fue un sabio amigo al decirme, agradece que la conociste y que compartiste algo con ella. muchos jamas llegan a conocerla.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Italia



Aquel lugar donde las montañas se juntan con el horizonte
donde no se puede diferenciar la nieve con las nubes
en ese lugar donde no se sabe si uno esta en la tierra o en el cielo
en ese momento, mi corazon sabia que estaba en Italia.

Magnifico lugar donde las personas se comportan como personas,
Hablan, sienten, respiran, besan y abrazan
Donde la piel se siente mas viva y sensible
Y el corazon se encuentra embriagado por el vino y las emociones.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Decepcion

Las luces del este se oscurecen
las aguas calmas se tornan turbulentas
la brisa olvida su paz
mientras el cielo rompe en llanto.

La euforia pierde su pasion
el silencio es el unico testigo presente
el batir del corazon se hace mudo
un alma moribunda colma el ambiente.

La figura que iluminaba el camino
se esfuma violentamente
la deseperacion se torna en la unica esperanza
el caos, el delirio y la sosobra
encuentran una vez mas en mi su morada.

Apaciguado por el dolor
abrumado por la sosobra
el peso de mi putrefacto corazon
derrumba mi voluntad y
detiene mi andar por este camino.

----

DISAPPOINTMENT

The lights from the east darken
the calm water turn turbulent
the wind forgets its peace
while the sky breaks in tears.

Euphoria looses its passion
silence is the only present witness
the beating of the heart turns numb
a moribund soul fills the ambience.

The figure that iluminated the path
disappears violently
desperation becomes the only hope
the chaos, delirium and misery
once again find in me their dwelling.

Appeased by pain
overwhelmed by misery
the weight of my putrid heart
collapses my will
and stops my walk in this path.

----

final del capitulo dedicado a las luces del este / end of the chapter dedicated to the lights of the east

Monday, June 8, 2009

Time games

Time is the most relative concept in the world. We may need a lifetime to figure out what we want, we may just need a couple of seconds to know what we don't desire. Time is the only thing we have and don't have. Many times we wish the time for something was over, and sometimes we wish that a moment would be eternal.

TIME GAMES

Time is both my curse and my blessing.
My curse due to the inevitable end that will come.
My blessing due to the sacred moments we lived together.
Playful time, painful time.

Time I spent with you,
time I lost without you.
Time which I used to recover a broken heart,
time I waited to fall in love again,
to find the wound once again open.

Time for you to go your own way,
time for me to show you that our ways can meet.
Time for you to look at me,
time for me to open my soul.

Time to fight for what you truly believe in,
time to let my beliefs guide my path.

If so, my truthful belief of love above all, shall guide my path
time will tell if it was a noble purpose
or a painful path.

At the end of time,
time will have no value
because being lost in your love
makes every moment sacred and eternal.


JUEGOS DEL TIEMPO

El tiempo es el concepto mas relativo del mundo. Podemos necesitar una vida entera para saber que queremos, pero necesitamos solo un par de segundos para saber que es lo que no deseamos. Tiempo es lo unico que tenemos y no tenemos. Muchas veces deseamos que el tiempo para algo se terminara, y muchas veces deseamos que ese momento fuese eterno.

El tiempo es mi maldicion y mi bendicion.
Mi maldicion debido a el hecho inevitable que el fin llegara.
Mi bendicion debido a los hermosos momentos que juntos vivimos.
Tiempo de juego, tiempo de dolor.

Tiempo que pase contigo,
tiempo que pase sin ti.
Tiempo usado para recuperar un roto corazon,
tiempo que espere para enamorarme de nuevo,
para encontrar la herida abierta una vez mas.

Tiempo para que sigas tu propio camino,
tiempo para mostrarte que nuestros caminos se pueden encontrar.
Tiempo para que me mires,
tiempo para mostrarte mi alma.

Tiempo de luchar por lo que realmente crees,
tiempo para dejar que mis principios guien mi camino.

Si es asi, mi verdadero principio de amor sobre todas las cosas,
debera guiar mi camino.
Solo el tiempo dira si fue un proposito noble
o un doloroso destino.

Al final del tiempo,
el tiempo no tendra valor
pues estar perdido en tu amor
hace cada instante sagrado y eterno.

------------------

Amarte a ti es un error, dice un amigo que cree que ser feliz es estar libre, Y se pierde del matiz que da lo incierto, amarte a ti. - Ricardo Arjona

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Reaching out to the butterfly

Pouring a heart into a paper, letting your fears take over you for a second, and then reaching your heart for courage in order to do the most heroic act, that is a difficult task, but you deserve them all. Believe is one thing, making someone else believe in you is more difficult. When talking of love, even harder.

Today I write to you, telling you to believe, to believe in me, and to believe in us, even though it existed for a short time, it proved to be stronger and more alive than many things that surrounds us, at least much more stronger than many things I have in my life.

I know that timing may not be the best, I know there are many reasons to be afraid, I know that many of the things I have done are difficult to understand, but one thing is true. My feelings are true. Life may have many things planned for you, for me, for us. I am not going to let my happiness go away. My heart was set up on fire, and I am not going to let that die. Believe me, I am used to fighting alone, I know that doing things together is much easier, but it is not difficult to recognize such a beautiful feeling like the one you made me feel. It is not difficult to see the amazing woman you are, the great person you make me feel when i am with you. Therefore, I want you to know that for you, I would fight alone against all reasons, because hope can truly beat despair.

Am I crazy? most of people would say yes, but I guess none of them truly understand my heart. You have the power to change my plans by reminding me the only thing that is true in my life. That above all, love is my real goal in my life, after that, I can achieve all I want. You set my mind and my path on the right direction, once again I reminded myself of who I really am, and what I really want to do in life. For that I truly thank you. My heart and my life owe you for returning the true purpose into my life.

I am not asking for anything in return, I dont even ask for a word, I just hope that when you read this, you know it is for you, because it was your eyes and your lips on which I got inspired. I hope I can reach you, and show you how close I am right now.

Your smile, your look into my eyes, your soul, all of you, made me fall, completely, without any doubt.

For you I would walk on water, cause I know that you would catch me if I fall.

Remembrance

Your smile is printed on my eyes.
Slowly, the image converts into memory
and with the pass of time
it will become a remembrance.

Remembrance of that precise moment
that time has denied us.
Memory that conveniently
will be an oblivion.

---

RECUERDO

Tu sonrisa quea estampada en mis ojos.
Lentamente la imagen se convierte en memoria
y con el paso del tiempo
tornara a ser un recuerdo.

Recuerdo de aquel momento
que el tiempo ha negado.
Recuerdo que convenientemente
llegara a ser un olvido.

Butterflies

The free and independent flight of the butterfly has hypnotized me. The beating of her colorful wings, the arythmic path. The uncertainty of each second captures my attention. My breathing synchronizes with every movement of this beautiful creature.

sighs and colors, is all I live and feel. Once again I feel comforted by the warm breeze that comes with the lights of the east.

----

MARIPOSAS

El vuelo libre e independiente de la mariposa me tiene hipnotizado. El batir de sus coloridas alas, el arritmico trayecto. La incertidumbre de cada segundo captura mi atencion. Mi rspiracion se sincroniza con cada movimiento de esta hermosa criatura.

Suspiros y colores, es todo lo que vivo y siento. Una vez mas me siento comfortado por la calida brisa que viene con las luces del este.

Utopia of a poet

My pathetic utopia of wanting to be a poet reminds me of my mistaken paths. Growing up among magicians, musicians, philosophers, and artists, I was not able to assume my love for paper, pencil and feelings. Obtaining refuge in the world of what is calculable and perfect, without knowing that in imperfection is where I feel complete.

Damned fear that drove me away from my destined path. Blessed fear that guided me towards them. Cause life has given me women. Passionate, sensual, possessed by love and captured by fear. Women unable to love freely. Because of them and for them I have returned to the placebo I call poetry. Poems that hope to be keys that reach hearts, poems full of love and stupid metaphors. Vain poems, that when analized do not only speak of them, but also my vanity towards having a beautiful woman. Elevating their beauty is elevating my conquest.

Beautiful trophy. Trophy that takes me towards poetry. My mistaken paths, that always end up flooding ink of passions over any virgin paper of my utopic attempt to make poetry.

---

UTOPIA DE UN POETA

Mi utopia patetica de intentar ser un poeta me recuerda mis errados caminos. Creciendo entre magos, musicos, filosofos y artistas no fui cpaz de asumir mi amor por el papel, el lapiz y el sentimiento. Obteniendo refugio en el mundo de lo calculable y lo perfecto, sin darme cuenta que en la imperfeccion es donde yo me siento completo.

Maldito miedo que me alejo de mi original camino. Bendito miedo que me guio a ellas. Pues la vida me ha dado mujeres. Apasionadas, sensuales, poseidas de amor y apresadas por el miedo. Mujeres incapaces de amar libres. Por ellas y para ellas he regresado al placebo que llamo poesia. Poemas que como llaves buscan llegar al corazon. Poemas llenos de amor y estupidas metaforas. Poemas vanidosos, que al ser analizados no hablan solo de ellas, sino de mi vanidad por tener una mujer hermosa. Exaltar su belleza es exaltar mi conquista.

Hermoso trofeo. Trofeo que me lleva a la poesia. Mis errados caminos, que siempre terminan desbordando tinta de pasiones sobre cualqueir papel virgen de mi utopico esfuerzo por hacer poesia.

Depth

In the depth of my being coexist my fears and my passions
in the depth of my being surfaces an abyss
in the depth of my being live my darkest reasons
in the depth of my being there is only pain and delirium
in the depth of my being was where I loved you
in the depth of my being was were you abandoned your chaotic home
in the depth of my being your life was marked into my life
and today I can only live in the depth of my being

---

PROFUNDIDAD

En la profundidad de mi ser conviven mis miedos y mis pasiones
en la profundidad de mi ser existe un abismo
en la profundidad de mi ser estan mis mas oscuras razones
en la profundidad de mi ser solo hay dolor y delirio
en la profundidad de mi ser fue donde te ame
en la profundidad de mi ser abandonaste tu caotica morada
en la profundidad de mi ser quedo tu vida en mi vida marcada
y hoy solo vivo en la profundidad de mi ser

Weakness

Weakness of a man in front of a woman,
the declaration of love is what generates it.
Without such heroic act, what would it be of men?
since women were made for us
and we were made from and for them

In that moment, in which vulnerability is admitted
in which the umpermeable barrier that sorrounds the heart
has been defeated with the simpleness of a smile,
that the cold feeling is every second more absent
and gives its place to the constant feeling of warmth
coming from the close breath
and the skin of the loved one.

Isn't it the desired moment?
the essence of life?
Accepting the weakness is the most courageous act.

---

DEBILIDAD

Debilidad de un hombre ante una mujer,
la declaracion de amor es lo que la genera.
Pero sin tal acto heroico que seria del hombre,
pues la mujer fue hecha para nosotros
y nosotros para ellas?

Aquel momento en que se admite la vulnerabilidad
que la barrera impenetrable que rodea el corazon
ha sido derrotada con la sencillez de una sonrisa,
que el frio se hace cada vez mas ausente
y da paso a la constante sensacion de calor
proveniente del aliento cercano
y de la piel de la amada

No es aquel el anhelado momento
la esencia de la vida?
Aceptar la debilidad es el mayor acto de valentia.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Time bridges

The echo of your footsteps still haunts me in my sleep.
Your leaving footprints still imprinted on the muddy entrance.
The silence of the words that never arrived is the melody that I follow.
That is the madness you left within me.

The madness, madness I have become
madness that takes over me
madness that does not allow me to go on
madness which confronts me every instant of my existence.

Is madness what I have become?
Madness is the only problem,
madness is the only answer.

Therefore the current madness is only the solution
for the peace that will come.
The madness that built the bridge from my peaceful past
to my peaceful future.

I am not madness. You were.
Your echoes, your footprints and your silence,
your madness.

Bridges are built, madness is lost.
Time to move on.

-----

Puentes en el tiempo

El eco de tus pasos aun me persigue en mi sueño.
Tus pasos de abandono aun impresos en la puerta cubierta de barro.
El silencio de tus palabras que jamas llegaron es la melodia que hoy sigo.
Esta es la locura que tu dejaste dentro de mi.

La locura, en locura me he convertido
locura que se apodera de mi
locura que no me permite seguir adelante
locura que me confronta cada instante de mi existencia.

Acaso es locura en lo que me he convertido?
locura es el unico problema,
locura es la unica respuesta.

Por ende, la actual locura es la unica solucion
para la paz que vendra.
La locura que construye el puente de mi tranquilo pasado
a mi tranquilo futuro.

Yo no soy locura. Tu lo eras.
Tus ecos, tus pasos y tu silencio.
Tu locura

Los puentes son contruidos, y la locura es dejada atras.
Tiempo de seguir adelante.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

New illusions

Long lasting minutes of solitude seem to disappear with a new bright light. Lights coming from the east begins to warm the winter my heart was living in. The darkness seems to be left behind, like new skin, being a new born, start walking a path towards the unknown, an uncertain future that has more hope than the desperate past that tortured my heart.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Despair & Hope

Despair

The suffering has been too much, with a noble purpose, but without noble results. Time passes, love grows stronger, while bodies grow further apart. The fear of losing oneself in a sea of doubts and lack of trust, chills your spine, freezes your mind, and empties your heart. Feeling miserable, empty, and alone is only the beginning of a road to feel dead, loveless, which is worse, it is to be dead among the living, since a body without love is only a body, no heart, no soul, no dreams, and no hopes. Death takes over, but gives a slow painful death, takes only a small art every day, maintaining you lucid enough to know what you lack, to know what you miss. It allows you to know where is your soul, your heart, and your life, but in the mean time holding you so hard, so tight, so strong, that the veins, where your loveless blood flows, try to burst without a result, because death lets go for a second, lets you breath, lets you feel, see, smell, taste, dream, hope, and remember, before giving you once again that grip that has taken all away.

Hope

Life is all about wanting things. People teach us to dream, but do not teach us how to achieve them. Dreams are the second most beautiful thing in the world; the most beautiful thing is fighting for them. Dreams keep your spirit and soul young, alive, and joyful. Working for your dreams gives you the reason to keep believing every day, gives you the hope, and gives you the air you breathe, gives you a life, gives you the blood, which really flows into your heart. The correlation between dreams and hopes is absolutely high, because we can say that a person without dreams will never be happy. A person without dreams lives day to day. A person without dreams looses all, gives all away. A person without dreams will never feel the anxiety of getting close to achieving the dream. A person without dreams simply rolls in life. A person without dreams simply becomes a victim of his own lifeless choices. Since we have been given this life to live more than one day, therefore we must imagine our future, we must feel it, taste it, build it, and fight for it. It is in our natural innocence that we experiment the joy of dreams and sharing dreams. Growing up does not mean to stop dreaming, he dreams will always keep us young, dreams will always keep us alive. Follow your dreams, and you will find the road your heart must travel. Dreams exist to be achieved. Wise men say that anything a man is capable of dreaming is also capable of doing. Just look at your wings and set yourself free to fly in your dreams, until your dreams become your reality.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

For your Mother

Mother,

I give you my heart

since it has been blessed with love and affection.


Mother,

I give you my hand,

since it has been held with hope and protection.


Mother,

I give you my eyes,

since they have seen the beauty of God´s creation.


Mother,

I give you my dreams,

since they will only be true with my heart´s dedication.


Mother,

I may not say it much,

but before I was born we had a loving connection.

Mother, I love you as you have always loved me.

Friday, May 2, 2008

You Are The Reason

You are the reason my heart beats

my reason to breathe,

the reason I can feel the wind,

and the reason it’s easy for me to smile.


You are the reason I am not afraid of perfection,

and the reason I know God´s creation is beautiful.

You are the reason I believe in love.

You are the reason I don´t believe in the impossible,

because by your side and for you,

I will make the impossible possible.


You are the reason I dream while I´m awake,

the reason I dream of being a boyfriend,

the reason I dream of being a husband,

the reason I dream of being a father.


You are the reason, for that and many things,

I believe that life is always perfect.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

A letter for you

INSTRUCTIONS: Take a breath, close your eyes for a second, and remember my voice. Listen to the song and read a few words that come from my heart, you put the words on my lips, the blessed lips that had the fortune to kiss every inch of your body.... you are able to give life to my dreams and to give poetry to my feelings.....

There is no beautiful rose in the world that can compare to your beauty, your smile, always so enchanting, your eyes, like stars lighting my path home, your body, an invitation to meet perfection. Only God knows how fortunate I feel, if you could feel my blood running through my body every time I see you, it’s difficult to breathe, to think, to speak, but it’s so amazingly wonderful to be alive by your side.

You are a woman, to all the expression of the word, a wonderful woman, a beautiful woman, an intelligent woman, a strong woman, and a brave woman.

You are not just any woman, you are the woman I love, the woman that takes my breath away, the woman that makes me smile with just hearing your name, the woman that makes me dream during the night and gives me peace during the day.

Without you there would be no me, because you are the best part of me, the most beautiful part of me, and I am proud to tell the world, that I am in love with you.

Te amo, my heart is always yours, my life is for you take, and my time is for you to spend. I have all my dreams and my desires at your feet, my heart is ready to love you eternally, my soul is ready to meet yours in a never ending kiss, and my lips, are every day thirstier of the sweet flavor of your lips.

I am here for you, always and forever, in love, in every second of my existence, loving you, missing you, wanting you, and desiring you, more every day, because you woman, beautiful wonderful woman, are the woman of my dreams, and that is why I can’t do anything else than.... Love you forever.

I love you with all my heart, my soul, my body, and my mind; I am yours in all the dimensions you could possibly imagine. Be sure, that I love you more every day.

So today I promise you that, it will not only be a day, that I will forever adore you, that by my side, it will always be your day, on the good times and even more on the bad times, I will be there. Today I promise you my love, my passion, my desire, and my strength to fight for you every day of our lives, and I will show the world how proud I am of loving you, a great beautiful woman, my woman.