Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Abyss

The abyss lies ahead,
deep and dark, cold and painful.
The next step may be the fall,
but the abyss is not deadly.

The fall is long,
the fall breaks bones,
the fall breaks spirits,
the fall breaks hopes,
the fall does not kill you.

The rising is longer,
the rising heals,
the rising renews spirits,
rising is only done with hope,
the rising gives you life.

Falling and rising,
breaking and healing.
A step is just a step,
when there is no dream behind it,
with hope, a step is a life.

Falling into the abyss is worth,
when the hope that drives you knows
the beauty that lies on the other side.

So I take my hope,
and give a step forward towards you,
hoping not to fall into the abyss,
but if that is the price to pay,
I will climb back out, with hope.

Monday, August 24, 2009

A close encounter with God

Competing with God for the love of a woman

So I set up the mood with a Christian song that asks God to be somebody's universe. Many Christians around the world have close encounters with God, seen in miracles or good things in their life. As for me, I consider myself a blessed man, with talents, with a great family, and overall a great life. Still all of this, has not been my closest encounter with God.

My encounter with God was more personal than others, was an encounter with a God that seemed more human than ever, was an encounter that shaped my view on relationships, and the role of religion within it. I am a person that believes, that believes in God, in doing the right thing, being the right type of person, I am not much of a church kind of guy, I simply do my best, try to be good with everyone, be the best I can at all moments, because to me God is in the simple acts of life, not only in waiting for a miracle. Many people see God as a provider, my view, God already gave me life, talents, family, friends, love and many things more on which I have to build upon, I am the one that has to give, not Him.

Still, my intention is not to talk about religion, its to talk about love, as I always do. It was the year 2004, and I was living in a small city of Colombia, it was a moment in my life when I was searching for some kind of guidance, something divine to guide my path. I just came out of a wonderfully stormy first love of my life relationship, the type of relationship where all matters so much, where all is a drama. So in this city, I was the guy from the capital, I was the guy upon all looks where falling. I found a house, living with four other students, my room was on the second floor, window looking at the street. Across the street, another house, on the second floor it was her room. I was able to see her timidly at the beginning, then I felt comfortable enough to have conversations from window to window, why spend mobile phone minutes when you can shout? Who needs privacy anyways!

So, after some time, weeks or months, it does not matter, that girl was all the time with me, we were kissing and doing all that young lovers do. The only problem she has, was that on Saturday nights, she had to get together with what she called a community, which simply resembles a praying group to discuss the Bible and God in general. I honestly did not like that much, but in my ideal world, I took it as a sign, since I was looking for some divine guidance for my life, naive was I to think that God would send it with great curves and seductive lips.

As the relationship progressed, she wanted me to get involved within the community. I did not pay attention until I met her parents, the mother was active in the same group, while the father was somehow apathetic. There was always a feeling of tension in the air every Saturday when the couple split for the length of the reunion. That was the moment when it started to hit me. The second moment was when I met people of her group and all questioned me about if I was part of the community, and if not, when I was going to join. An uncomfortable feeling was there, but she was always there with a sweet word to calm down my nerves from the intense work of the recruiting team.

Finally as the relationship got more serious, and when you do that, people dream and talk, she said that eventually, for a life together, I would have to be part of the community. Part of something I did not believe in. That was when I saw God as a human, as someone who was driving me apart from the woman that I called mine. In that moment I felt envy, and also powerless, because I knew it was a fight I was not going to win. Even though for some reason I stayed in the relationship, trying to figure out something, I knew the end for us was written already in our destiny. She was not going to change, I was not going to do it either. For the first time in my life, I had this divine intervention, and it was an intervention, more real and human than anyone could believe.

Never the less, the important in this is the lesson learned, that even if I may not be the most religious person in the world, there must be a common base with the person I share my life, because those issues are the ones that can separate couples and create breaches within relationships. As for that woman, she taught me sweetness and caring in a noble and honest way, that today I cherish as a wonderful moment of my life.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Financial equations of love

The origin of this thought is a conversation I had with the woman that currently captures all of my attention, and many more things I wont go into detail at the moment, but we can say she has all of me.

In no moment I want to address women as an investment, my intention is to make a comedy worthy approach on love in a language that most of my colleagues can understand, and in general to men, because when it comes to women, we have no clue of what we are doing, we are incredibly lucky all the time!

The financial market theory, says that the return on an investment, depends on the length and the risk profile. Therefore, a longer and riskier investment, will result in a higher return. The question is, can we also apply this equation to love?

So lets say, you are a guy, falling in love, or already in love. You find this girl that turns your world upside down, that simply makes you crazy, and without knowing it, suddenly you find yourself in love, what a surprise! Lets call the woman, the return.

Unfortunately (or fortunately in my case, since I have never liked simple and easy things) for you my friend this woman, has plans, work, studies, friends, and family. We can call this plans the market.

Now, you need to define an investment strategy, do you look for a long term investment, which will maximize the return, or simply go for a short term deal, that will give you benefits as well.

The risk, the most important factor, is that no matter if long or short term, she decides to take any other element of the market over you, or in simpler words, she does not choose you.

So in theory, the forces of the market, as well as the individual aspects of the selected stock (in this case your target) will influence the final outcome. So in this equation, you don't see yourself contained. The key aspect in this issue, is that you are the only able to influence this forces. How to do it, you know, the basics, be loyal, be there for her, listen to her, love her, make her feel beautiful all the time, make her laugh, give her love, give her passion, and give her all the things she does not expect. With this, she will decide. So your fate is in your hands. The heart of a woman in incredibly valuable, and you don't expect her to give it to someone who does not deserve it. Are you up for the challenge?

What to do and how to do it? These two questions definitely haunt your mind. The first thought is hope, you wish there was no risk at all, but wouldn't it be too boring? If there was no risk, there would be no pleasure in the conquest, and I am sure the romantic lovers of the past, who taught us the art of writing love letters and poems, composing songs, and doing any demonstration of love wouldn't be pleased at all.

So, in my case, I take my hope, even if its small, and work with it, because I know the return is incredibly high. Now that I have decided to invest my time and effort - by the way the currency you invest is your heart - I need to decide the time span. Short or long term, what do I really want? What do you really want? In love, a short term can be a fling, not even a relationship, some company, passion, calls, a couple of tears, and lots of fun. Long term has all of the above, but has hard work, has loyalty, real love, passion, friendship, makes you each the lover and accomplice of one another, and if you go all the way, has a lifetime of happiness in the company of your loved one. Well, for me that sounds amazingly interesting. Maybe its because of my risk profile, maybe due to my advanced age I am looking for the real thing, as well since in the last years I have done my share of short term investments with no risk and only one type of benefit.

So I have my strategy, I'm going for the longest of terms, with all my currency in one basket, which increases dramatically my risk, all because I want the highest return of all, and I know who she is!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Trip within my heart and soul

In order to discover the real path of my heart, and understand the events that are occurring in my heart since I met a special person, I want to define a setting before going into the description of my feelings. Italy used to be the land where I saw myself in love, but now I understood, that love now has a bigger, more important, and different meaning than what it used to have. No longer I have this view of Italian love that haunted my mind for so much time. Now I have a better view of love, more free, fun, relaxed, and very comforting. Mature and crazy at the same time.

In this process of liberation, of letting go of the past, not by denial, but by facing it and choosing a brighter future over the dark past, I have discovered myself, what I truly am, what I truly want, and what I am really worth. In this moment, I have a bright future ahead of me, and I am going to fight for it, because it is worth it. She is worth it.

Terre di Sardegna

A magical corner where children and grown ups share the same delight for an ice cream. Colors, flavors, textures, and pleasures, all as unique as the customer's taste.

Sardegna, Alghero, full of people, where Italians come to rest from Italy. The meditarranean breeze plays a slow and warming melody that sets the tone to a conversation full of gestures and emotions. I don't feel like a foreigner, I feel part of this place, like this place expected my arrival, this shall explain why all my thoughts are very clear now.

Commo Lake - Pare

A majestic lake surrounded by mountains. The sun heats its waters, brightens it, covers it, giving it life, the life that the Italian summer has. Families, friends, and lovers, conversations and emotions are found in this magical place. My heart feels in peace, only missing the company that has been needed for so long, but now is clear where to find.

The discovery

Once again I find myself in Italy, a country of feelings and flourishing passions. For the first time my thoughts are not centered in this land, this sunset or the ocean that surrounds me. My thoughts wonder across this island, the ocean, the mountains, until arriving at her feet, thirsty for a taste of her lips.

Time is the best medicine known to my heart, which to me, was hit by a mortal blow, so many times, and still was beating, stronger and wiser than ever before. As I grew up, each and every relationship was meaningful. Each and every relationship was a feeling, a lecture, and a lesson. Many times I did not understand, still I wonder If I have understood anything.

Somehow, each and every meaningful relationship II have had has given me a strong life lesson. There were always difficult moments that have shaped my character. From learning how to break up when that relationship had cost so much effort and pain to obtain, understanding that religious views when opposing, generate frictions that open scars within couples, that there are mistakes that separate people and can be forgiven but never forgotten, and the biggest one is to learn to identify what is not the love of your life, even if for many days you were convinced about it, even worse if you need to live it twice to learn it.

Quizá Dios quiera que conozcas mucha gente equivocada antes de que conozcas a la persona adecuada, para que cuando al fin la conozcas sepas estar agradecido.

Perhaps God wants you to meet many of the wrong people before you meet the right one, so that when you finally meet them you will know to be grateful.

All has been a discovery of my soul, of my dreams, and of my desires. Questions haunt my mind, like if this journey will have an end and I will be finally ready for the next step, whatever it may be, or this will be a never ending discovery of myself. As well, have I been a part of the learning process of my previous couples, or simply life has used these women to guide me through my path? Both cases, I am truly blessed.

One thing I am sure, now, for the first time, I know who I am, what I want in my life, my priorities, how I want them, and more importantly, how much I am worth.

The discovery is simple, what I thought was love, was never love. I saw love as something that supplied basic needs of comfort, company, sex, laughter, and routine. I was wrong, love is something that makes you dream, that gives you hope, that supplies your needs and creates new ones, supplies needs which you did not even knew existed. Love is a constant discovery of yourself guided by the hand of the person that can see your soul, the person that knows your heart inside out more that you do, cause that person organizes it and disoirganizes it at the same time. Love is more than needs, love is life. I guess that is why they call that special person a soul mate, because indeed is something that fills your soul.

It is always difficult to characterize love into words, even more difficult to admit that you had never been truly in love, even though you thought you felt it and took the risk of saying it. To the women I said it to, I am sorry, but know that what I said, was what I thought love was. Today, my love is bigger and better, brighter and full of hopes and dreams, because I learned to love myself, and after discovering what I am worth, I am ready to offer it.

I am sure as that one person will guide me in the discovery of my life, adulthood, parenthood, and elderly days (because I believe true love lasts a life time), I will guide that person. I am sure this life long commitment can be scary, but know that within the path of our life, there will be laughter, happiness, sadness, and many feelings, be sure, you will feel alive, and grateful to be alive, every day of your life. Want to walk with me?

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Thanks to the post I did some art

The post lost a letter that was meant for you, it had words and letters meant to make you feel how i see you, make you understand what you mean to me. I don't want that message to be lost somewhere in this world, so here it goes, because more than ever, I am sure of this thing:

This started 27 years ago...

Life is full of amazing wonderful surprises. Life is like a box of chocolates. From famous people to Forrest Gump, we have been listening to these phrases for a long time, but we really don't truly understand its meaning, or in order not to generalize, I did not understand it.

What is a surprise, something unexpected, something that generates an emotion, that makes us sad or happy? I will stick to the meaning I had as a child, it was a gift, something unknown, something that would make me happy; like christmas gifts. Its a shame that as we grow up, many of the words we thought only had a positive meaning, suddenly have so many bad associations. He died in an accident, she lost all her money, they lost their home. Suddenly, all these surprises seem so distant to my childhood meaning.

Lately I have understood, that the key to joy in my life, is to follow the true and simple meanings I learned while being a child:

1. Love: as a kid I was never afraid to show the people I loved how much I did, I was never afraid to seem vulnerable in their absence because I totally trusted them, I was always able to say I love you. I remember telling my mom that I loved her from the earth to the sky, because to me that was the most outer limit.

2. Dreams: as a child I had dreams of being someone, no matter how important or unknown, all that mattered to me was that the dream would put a smile on my face, today we dream with cars, wealth, careers, etc. My dream was to be happy, my dream was to be like my dad, no matter if I did not know what he did. He was a loving man, and I am proud to say that after 27 years of my existence, he still tells me that he loves me (Gracias papa!)

3. Hope: dreaming was always simple because there was hope, my hope was immense, had no limits, my hope had all, in my hope there was no thing impossible. I trusted and believed in myself, I trusted the people around me, I trusted the world to let me achieve my dreams. Today, people think that if you hope and you dream too much, you are not realistic. Why be realistic when it only cuts your wings? Please do not cut my wings.

I could go on naming things that have changed, but I have decided to go back and live things on the basic, simple, and most beautiful meaning. I want surprises to be only good, I want to love without limits, I want to dream, and hope all will be like that.

What made me think of this, what can move a man to let go of all he has learned in school, university and life. Love is the answer. Love has been the only real and true thing in life. I was loved since I was born, and no matter how life has been, in every second of my existence, I was loved by someone, anytime, there was always at least one person. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but love was always there. No matter if I was heartbroken, there was always the love of family, a friend, or even a pet. Its time to give back, what life has given me in abundance: time to give love.

Life has given me a surprise, when I thought I had lost the love of my life, I understood that I was wrong, for the first time admit I did not truly love her, she simply supplied the needs I had when I was alone, she was friend, family, company, partner, but a true love she was not. She was a bridge from my past life to my new life, its amazing how time works, but only time can allow us understand what is the function of certain people in our life. I needed to pass through a difficult time in my life to know how much I am worth, to know how much I can truly give.

Today I am sure, that I am worth a lot. I needed to love myself in order to be able to truly love someone, the truth is that I did not love myself. Now I do, now I am ready to truly love, my worth is for you to have.

Today I find myself in the verge of real love, on the door, staring, smiling, nostalgic, full of dreams and hope. There is no fear, because I am sure, there will be always someone loving me, supporting me, and cheering for me. How to know its real? Simple, cause there is no limit, there is no fear, there is hope and there are tons of dreams that seem very clear to me, and simply because in my heart it truly feels right, and when I write this and repeat, I smile.

You trust your heart, because it is the only organ in your body that does not have the ability to be selfish.

I am facing a person who makes me stare at my soul, and allows me to understand myself, while drawing a smile on my lips which I thought did not exist. I am facing a person that can change my path, reshape the way, and makes me feel happy about it. I am facing a woman which makes me want to be better every second, try harder, be sweeter, write about hope and not about despair, and even loose some weight.

Therefore, today I make a compromise with my life, with myself, to follow my heart as I did when I was a child, I will love without fear, dream without limits, and hope that all will be always perfect, and the days in which it is not like I dreamed, I will always have the love of the people around me. I am a fortunate man, a blessed man. I am a son, a brother, a friend, and a lover. I am alive.

The best part, is that as I read over and over again this note, I feel confident, I feel happy, that I am truly doing the right thing, that I am truly in the right path. This is for you, and you know the smile I have on my lips. Thanks for being in my life, you are worth a fight, a risk, a journey, because at the end of the path, I will find happiness, and I truly hope to find you.


This is the first picture I have of myself, and I'm sure my parents took it with a lot of love.