Sunday, September 6, 2009

Your accomplice and lover

This is one of the most difficult things I have ever written, and I know that while I write it a part of my soul bleeds to death, it is needed in order to move on, it is needed in order to feel the pain, and be born back from it.

Feelings can change, can evolve, and can grow, that is the wonderful part of life, meeting someone, and watch as your feelings for that person change, from stranger to lover. If you had the chance to observe a movie of your life, you would enjoy looking at the moment in which a person becomes meaningful. You would be delighted with the struggle of understanding our feelings, what we want, what that person means, and more importantly how to make that person feel the same. Sometimes the movie has a happy ending, sometimes since the beginning both feel the same, and sometimes the end is not as expected. Sometimes all you had, falls into an abyss of despair, loosing all hope. My point is, that after all the different possibilities, the saddest is to watch the feelings die. Even worse, to make them die, to observe them, to observe yourself in sorrow and sadness, and not be able to give yourself a line of hope. Letting your feelings die is difficult. For me, is like letting myself die.

If you love somebody, you must be ready to let them walk away.

Never truly understood that quote. The truth is that I found myself in love, truly and deeply in love. I love a woman, that has all the things I could have ever imagined, and so many more that I had no idea would hypnotize me and take control of all my heart and emotions in one second. The sad part is that I have to let go of all. Let this feeling fade away into the sunset, while I simply watch, watch until all is gone. I wont deny you my pain, but somehow, as I write this letter that sounds more like the will of a heart on its path to death, I can still perceive hope within my words, hope of saying the right words, maybe to be able to say something that can change all. Hope is the last thing a man looses, even though I have not lost it all, at the end of this writing I wish it was all gone, so I could go ahead with my life and move on. Like she said, feelings cant change into friendship from one day to another. That is the issue of the moment, we both have feelings, why is it so difficult to make them work? Why give up on something that has proven to make us happy? Plans and dreams?

Ella tiene mil planes ahora, lo que ella no sabe es que yo ya he logrado muchas de mis metas y pues en este momento puedo darme el lujo de ayudarla a ella a lograr sus metas.

She has many plans now, but what she does not realize is that I have already achieved many of my goals and therefore, in this moment I can take the luxury if helping her to achieve her goals.

The person I love, is a person who is bigger than all my plans combined. Is a person that can be a plan of life, a better one than all I had before. A real plan that would give me all that I really stand for in life (love all I do in life). Someone who can really show me love and live life like it is meant to be lived. Someone who can show me that life is indeed, beautiful every day and can be lived to the fullest no matter what. Someone who can make me delight in tears of joy. Someone who has painted a smile on my face with such tenderness and on an easy manner.

There are so many ways to describe her, so many ways to say how she makes me happy, but more importantly, I want to tell her how I want to make her happy, so this lines are for her: if there is one thing I truly want, is for us to be something important. I really like you (simple as it sounds, meaningful as it is), to me you the most beautiful woman in the world (I know it sounds kind of lame) that is why when I am with you all I want to do is be close to you and never let you go, and I have all this amazing feelings for you (I guess now you know what amazing is). You are amazing to me, in ways I cant describe because you made me discover a happier side of me, you have made me see a better side of me, an incredibly happy version of myself I am getting to know better, and for sure do not want to see disappear. I really hope we have a chance together, because no matter what, in me you will find someone who will give all to make you fall in love every second, to be your lover, your friend, your accomplice in all. I truly want us, and its up to you, I'm trying to be the person you need me to be right now because I don't want to push anything, but I want you to know what is in my heart. You are someone with whom I see myself happy and someone that matters a lot to me. I'm sure i can make you happy, and help you achieve all you want. Point the direction and I will walk with you there.

I wish she knew how much she means to me, maybe like that she would understand more why I do the things I do. Call it lucky or unlucky, depends on how you see it. Luck and blessing was to meet her, to kiss her and fall in love with her. Unlucky was not to be included in her plans. All I ask, is for one second, for her to look at herself with my eyes, and feel all the delight I have inside my heart. Maybe then, she will understand how I feel for her.

So i finish this conversation with myself, with you, and with her, and after putting all my feelings in front, I feel hope, I feel happiness, the joy of being in love, no matter the outcome, because with her, I have won since the first instant she entered my life.

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